United Methodeviations

False Profits February 22, 2012

from the Gospel According to Bob, Chapter 11, verses 15-31; Original Old Prophetic Scripture In English (Oopsie) Version

– (this is satire and parody; I am fully aware that these things AREN’T really in the Bible… but thanks to those who have expressed concern!)

And Jesus said, ’Beware of false prophets who come advising all sorts of worldly and simple solutions to complex and important problems.

He said this in response to the ancient prophecy, “And there will come a day when Towers Babel, Inc., will be hired by the high priests and Pharisees to tell unto God’s people what they ought to be doing, since God’s people will have forgotten and become verily confused.  (which in itself was prophesied, ‘the people who walk in darkness will either turn to prayer and the light of discernment or they will stop and ask directions from strangers,’)  And on that day, there shall be downsizing and branding and a hunger and thirst for best practices and dashboards,

But I say unto you, identity is not to be confused with image; meaning shall not be reduced to marketing; and the Spirit shall not be confused with structures.  For it is written, ‘Those who cannot discern shall count heads, and those who have no witness shall advertise, and the first shall be lost as false prophets share vision that has little to do with God’s will.

The follower known as Robert, also called Bob, inquired, “Should we then form a task force to survey our target audiences, monitor our results on a dashboard, and dissect all the work that has thus far been done by outsiders to offer alternative proposals and petitions?”

Jesus responded, ‘I am THIS close to smiting you!  The time for talk is through; we must be doers of the Word and not reduce the Word to ‘words’ in reports and recommendations to endlessly discuss and debate and destroy.  Until we remember who we are and why God needs us here, there is little else to discuss.  Before we make decisions about structure and processes, we must first recapture our identity and purpose!”

Then Bob asked, “So, is this then a ‘Calleth to Activity?’ O Lord?”

Jesus wept.

Don’t just sit there, do something.  If I hear one more person defend our current denominational studies with the dismissive, “we gotta do something; something is better than nothing; we don’t have a choice,” argument, I am going to explode.  I received an email this week from a pastor explaining to me that “the church IS a business, and we have been running it very poorly.  Hiring the best secular consultants has been a brilliant idea, and we are finally going to start being competitive and profitable.”

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